A little over a year ago I was a stay at home mom. Not because I wanted to be. I had left my previous job after being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was shocked by that last one. PTSD? Me? Didn't that happen to people who actually experienced things? It didn't occur to me that watching my mother fail until she finally passed was a bad experience. After all, people fail and pass on everyday. Needless to say, I was at home with our youngest and I was bitter.
I didn't think I had a purpose or that I was useful because I wasn't working. I wasn't being a contributing member to society. Being a mom, that's not contributing anything.. right? WRONG! Being a mom is an all day, everyday, nights, weekends and holidays kind of job. But that's where my thought pattern was. Forgive me.
"If only I could get a job at the pharmacy. It would be a good place to work." (There's that thinking stuff again)
Well I did get a job there after our son started school. At first I loved it. I loved the people, my coworkers, just the idea of having a job. I was a contributing member of society again!!! (I actually remember saying this to my counsellor when I saw her in there one day.) I planned... and I achieved.
About a month ago I got myself into trouble. I asked an irate customer to leave. Apparently you can't do that. I didn't realize. This lead to a downward spiral of what I like to refer to as "Stinkin' Thinkin'". I damaged my rep... bad. I'm part of the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study right now and it's because of this study that I came to a place where I realized I'd done wrong. That this stinkin' thinkin' had gotten me into a place of just plain bitterness. Again?!?!?
I also realize that I now need to humble myself and apologize for my previous actions. Geez, there's nothing like God showing you where you're wrong... but then to have to humbly apologize UGH! It's not my favourite but I will because I know it's the right thing to do.
Has stinkin' thinkin' ever gotten you down? How did you overcome it?
You know the saying, the grass is always greener on the other side? This is my attempt to find greener grass right where I am in my life.
BTW - I'm the one on the right, just in case you didn't already know that.