The other day was what I like to refer to as a "Depression Day". What does that entail? Basically it means that any good emotion I show, a smile, a chuckle was put on to make it seem like "I'm fine". My husband even asked me if I was alright while we met for a lunch date. He could tell something wasn't quite right. I'm quieter than normal and melancholy. Interesting enough, melancholy means a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.
Depression days drain the life out of me. All I want to do is sleep and typically that's what I end up doing. That day I had to venture out for a birthday present and to pay for our gravel (I didn't know rocks cost so much!). I like to stay inside with the curtains closed and only my animals to keep me company. I don't want to socialize and will typically go out of my way, if I see someone I know, to avoid them. It's terrible.
Depression is such a soul sucking illness. I absolutely hate it. It's like putting on a show, a terrible, terrible show. I see myself as inferior and I can't find any good feelings in anything I'm doing. It's hard to shake this feeling that I'm no good.
Trying to process what I'm going through is equally as tough. What is it that started this? Did I miss my medication? Am I upset because of work? Did the kids do something or did I do or say something to the kids? Am I stressed out about finances? There are so many things it could be.
I feel stuck. I can't better my situation no matter how hard I try. There are no funds to go to school so I can get my social services diploma. I have been having a problem with a bad attitude at work and can't seem to right myself. I live next to the house I grew up on, on the road I grew up on but I mostly feel like it's just a reminder of how I believe my life was supposed to be. It's just showing me all the things that I've lost and all the things that I thought were going to happen but didn't.
Then I had this thought... If I focus on the past what am I missing out on now?
To those out there who go through this and battle depression, I may not know your exact situation, but I know how much it sucks. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to reach out a hand. Jesus is already reaching out to you.
A little over a year ago I was a stay at home mom. Not because I wanted to be. I had left my previous job after being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was shocked by that last one. PTSD? Me? Didn't that happen to people who actually experienced things? It didn't occur to me that watching my mother fail until she finally passed was a bad experience. After all, people fail and pass on everyday. Needless to say, I was at home with our youngest and I was bitter.
I didn't think I had a purpose or that I was useful because I wasn't working. I wasn't being a contributing member to society. Being a mom, that's not contributing anything.. right? WRONG! Being a mom is an all day, everyday, nights, weekends and holidays kind of job. But that's where my thought pattern was. Forgive me.
"If only I could get a job at the pharmacy. It would be a good place to work." (There's that thinking stuff again)
Well I did get a job there after our son started school. At first I loved it. I loved the people, my coworkers, just the idea of having a job. I was a contributing member of society again!!! (I actually remember saying this to my counsellor when I saw her in there one day.) I planned... and I achieved.
About a month ago I got myself into trouble. I asked an irate customer to leave. Apparently you can't do that. I didn't realize. This lead to a downward spiral of what I like to refer to as "Stinkin' Thinkin'". I damaged my rep... bad. I'm part of the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study right now and it's because of this study that I came to a place where I realized I'd done wrong. That this stinkin' thinkin' had gotten me into a place of just plain bitterness. Again?!?!?
I also realize that I now need to humble myself and apologize for my previous actions. Geez, there's nothing like God showing you where you're wrong... but then to have to humbly apologize UGH! It's not my favourite but I will because I know it's the right thing to do.
Has stinkin' thinkin' ever gotten you down? How did you overcome it?
You know the saying, the grass is always greener on the other side? This is my attempt to find greener grass right where I am in my life.
BTW - I'm the one on the right, just in case you didn't already know that.